Healthy Relationships After Trauma Pt. 2: Dependence to Adult Attachment

Every person begins life in complete dependence. Infants cannot regulate emotions, meet needs, or feel safe without connection. Our nervous systems learn safety through other people—this is called co-regulation.

We do not outgrow this wiring. Adults need secure attachment, emotional support, and connection, too. We are not meant to live in isolation. We are wired for connection—a healthy, stable, secure connection.

On the other end of the spectrum in the spectrum of connection, we find hyper-independence, which sounds like:

• “I don’t ask for help.”

• “I handle everything myself.”

• “Relying on people is dangerous.”

On the surface, it looks like strength. Underneath, it is often trauma.

People who learned that love is unpredictable, or that asking for help leads to disappointment, build emotional armor:

“If I don’t need anyone, no one can hurt me.”

This protects the heart—but it also prevents connection, support, and healing.

Even the strongest nervous systems get tired when they carry life alone.

Most people don’t live at one extreme; they move between patterns depending on stress, trauma, and relationship history. While this spectrum touches on patterns often labeled as codependent, a deeper exploration of what codependence truly means — including its origins, misuse, and how it differs from healthy connection — can be found in the accompanying blog post: https://www.resolutionsutah.com/post/healthy-relationships-after-trauma

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Interdependence: Finding the Healthy Middle

Interdependence is a balanced, secure connection. It means:

• “I can ask for support without shame.”

• “Saying no doesn’t risk losing love.”

• “I can be close to you and still be myself.”

• “Our relationship supports both of us—not just one person.”

This is what healing relationships look like—in recovery, in marriage, in friendships, in family.

It is not dependence. It is not independence.

It is a connection with boundaries.

You do not have to choose between being strong and being connected. You get to have both.

How Therapy Supports Navigation of the Connection Spectrum

Therapy offers a compassionate space to explore where you fall on the spectrum of connection — especially if you notice patterns of emotional over-reliance, avoidance, fear of intimacy, or difficulty trusting others.

For those currently in relationships, therapy can help you:

• Identify relational patterns rooted in past attachment wounds

• Strengthen communication and emotional safety

• Rebuild trust and healthy boundaries

• Shift toward interdependence instead of survival-based dynamics

For those seeking new connection, therapy supports:

• Clarifying relational values and needs

• Building self-trust and emotional resilience

• Learning how to approach connection with openness rather than fear

• Recognizing unhealthy patterns before they take root

Through gentle exploration, insight, and skill-building, therapy helps reconnect the nervous system to safety — allowing relationships to feel less threatening and more nourishing.

Healing doesn’t mean never needing others. It means learning how to need others without losing yourself.

About the Author

DeAnn is a therapist (ACMHC) at Resolutions Counseling Center in Bountiful, Utah, and a graduate of the Hazelden Betty Ford Graduate School of Addiction Studies. DeAnn uses trauma-informed care, EMDR, and narrative work to support individuals as they build a sustainable life in long-term recovery. She is also the Co-Founder of Show Up and Stay, a sober-positive workplace initiative, and host of the Recovery Discovery podcast.